I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
