there's paper in my vomit.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize