I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
