I have demons in me.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My life is pants optional.
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