My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
