I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
