I love black thongs
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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