Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
