On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
