In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
