They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
