i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Girls should come with a carfax report
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
