cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
