If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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