She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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