I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
