and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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