her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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