you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My breasts were aching with rage.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
