She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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