i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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