i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
