New low: just hacked my moms facebook
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
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