I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
