if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
