I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I enjoy the company of your penis
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
