Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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