i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize