She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
