true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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