how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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