I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
