I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
