Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize