she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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