Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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