i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
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