Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
