did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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