Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
