Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize