don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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