I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
