I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
