They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
