the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
