I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I can't put those talents on a resume
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
