When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
