I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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