everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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