Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
