Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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