I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
