my phone needs a breathalizer
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
