I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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