On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize