He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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