there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Someone shattered a urinal.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
