do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
