i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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